In Spite of it All
by Calliope6
Summary: Sasuke finds himself unable to cope with all the things which life has thrown at him. Without intervention his self-destructive state could turn tragic… (sasunaru, shounen ai)


In spite of it all. -a Naruto fan fiction by Calliope-  
  
Message: This is my first fan fic for FanFiction.net so I hope you all like it. If you've got any comments I'd love to hear them no matter what they are.  
  
Summery: Sasuke finds himself unable to cope with all the things which life has thrown at him. Without intervention his self-destructive state could turn tragic.  
  
Warning: sasunaru *shounen-ai*  
  
It had just gotten to the point where he couldn't stand it anymore. He slammed his door behind him violently, banging his fist on the wall as he did so. He just couldn't hear it any more. their incessant demands. Fight me. Date me. Teach me. Kiss me. He wanted no part of it. And why him? Why not someone else?  
  
He threw his fists against the wall, water droplets from his rain soaked skin flying in all directions. He tried to release his built up frustration in an unrestrained scream. As he pounded at the walls he clenched his teeth so tightly he swore his jaw would break. but his muscles would not allow him to relax. He violently vented his angers, pounding away at the walls. His knuckles were screaming out in pain, despite his numbness, for him to stop. They burned horribly with the sting of every strike, each time allowing an aggravated shout to escape his lips.  
  
All he wanted to do was scream, and keep screaming until his vocal cords seized up and snapped. he wanted his knuckles to shatter and his muscles to give out. he felt the pounding of his heart moving up into his head as his blood pressure rose. Eventually he dropped to his knees in exhaustion, clawing at his head as it throbbed; the blood pumping viciously in his ears.  
  
He groped at his head protector, struggling to free it from his wet and matted lengths of hair as tears of pure frustration began to well up in his eyes. He threw it violently across the room, smashing a lamp in the process and sending its shards crashing to the floor as the metal protector clattered to the ground. He knelt their on the floor, alone in the dark. with nothing but the torrential down pour and the sounds of his own deep breaths.  
  
He was so sick of it. sick of everyone always wanting something from him. "The Great" Uchiha Sasuke.  
  
Uchiha. he wanted to forget that it was even his name. One can only be so proud before it begins to eat away at them. Uchiha. it meant nothing to him. because for him it was nothing more than a reminder of painful memories and haunting nightmares. No one looked at him and saw "Sasuke"; they saw the last of the Uchiha's. And it was true. he was the last one. the only one. how could he be expected to carry the burden of that name all by himself?  
  
He could do nothing but sit there alone, pounding his fists on the floor, tears streaming down his face; his breathing becoming more and more like choking.  
  
"It's not fair." he stammered, through gasping breaths, "It's not fair! Why me! Why always me."  
  
He could still hear her voice, the shaky waver in her throat as she held back her tears.  
  
"I hate you Uchiha Sasuke! I hate you!"  
  
That is what she'd said to him. That's how she had justified his feelings, before running off into the dark, leaving him standing alone in the rain soaked streets.  
  
He'd tried to stop her. really he did, but she wouldn't quit. She'd grabbed at his soaked shirt desperately.  
  
"Why Sasuke! Why can't you love me!?"  
  
He just couldn't drown out the sound of Sakura's sobs, still lingering inside his now throbbing head.  
  
"I can't! I just can't!" he cried out again and again, as though his shouts might reach her. "I can't. I can't love anybody." his voice trailed off into sobs, half muffled by the sounds of the raging storm outside his slightly open window.  
  
The frigid breeze penetrated deep into his soaked body, cutting his breaths even shorter. He clutched at his chest through his shirt; every breath freeing his lungs. Groping at the back of his shirt he pulled it over his head and threw it aside; freeing himself of the wet, clingy fabric. He pulled his knees up tight to his chest, trying desperately to stop crying; his anger towards everyone else slowly focusing in on himself.  
  
"Stop. fucking. crying." he told himself through heaving breaths.  
  
"Why can't they just leave me alone?" he though to himself, "Why do they always want to fight me all the time..." Sasuke grabbed at his face under neither of the hair plastered to his forehead, his touch making him painfully aware of his black eye.  
  
"Just because I can fight doesn't mean I want to." he sulked, remembering the fight in which he received the blow. and how he was forced into it against his will.  
  
"Why can't you all just leave me alone!" he shouted out into the darkness, however, a raging clap of thunder and lighting were his only reply.  
  
The light it cast lit up his tiny, barren room. if only temporarily. The symbol on the back of his cast off shirt stared back at him in the dim light.  
  
"Uchiha. fuck being an Uchiha." he murmured bitterly, his eyes still damp. He drew an unsteady breath as he glared spitefully at his discarded article.  
  
"I fuckin' hate you!" he shouted at the fan-like symbol. "I hate you." he struggled, his voice disappearing again into sobs. He wrenched his kunai from its holster and tore at his shirt maliciously with his weapons razor sharp edges, dissecting and dismembering his families crest.  
  
He flinched a moment, realizing that he had cut his hand. His blood looked black in the darkness of the room as he held up his would, the blood trickling slowly down the back of his still slightly numb hand.  
  
"I don't feel it." he stated solemnly. his face devoid of expression. He just watched as it ran. slowly snaking its way down his arm.  
  
"Why. can't I feel it." he asked to no one. "Why can't I feel anything!" He screamed, and without a thought he turned his kunai on himself, slicing down the length of his left arm.  
  
He stared vacantly at his arm.  
  
"I can't feel a thing." he said again, almost a hint of a smile across his pale face. His blood began to drip down onto his stark white shorts, spidering out through the rain soaked threads.  
  
Blood began to pool on the floor, the lighting flashes showing off its true crimson color.  
  
"I can't feel." Sasuke stated flatly, watching as his, skin deep, wound oozed steadily.  
  
"I can't feel." he started again, "not for anyone. I don't want to. I don't want to be weak. I don't want to be weak! I can't feel! I CAN'T!" he shouted, holding his head in his hands.  
  
"Why can't you love me! WHY?!" he heard Sakura's voice pleading with him over and over again.  
  
"Because I can't feel, that's why!" he yelled, slamming his fist down into the pooling blood at his knees.  
  
His anger was welling up inside of him, crawling its way up through his chest, through his neck, and into his brain, making his ears ring horribly.  
  
"I don't want to love anyone!" He shouted out again.  
  
"Why. why do they want me like that." he asked himself, pleading with the nothingness to give him and answer.  
  
"Why? . I don't give them anything. I don't ask for this. I don't make them like me. I don't want their attention." His eyes were blurring through the tears welling up inside of them. He blinked hard, sending them trickling down his cold cheeks as he sniffled.  
  
"I don't want their love." he said aloud, in his unsteady voice, "Why do they want me? Why not someone else. Why do I have to be like this?!"  
  
He pushed his long dark bangs harshly out of his face, feeling the thick cold tresses of his hair. He stopped a moment, staring down at his bloody kunai, before raising it up before his eyes.  
  
He tugged at a length of his thick raven colored hair and pulled the blade decisively across it, cutting through it like it wasn't there. He stared at the wet hairs clenched in his fist, huge tears making it difficult for him to focus in the darkness.  
  
"I don't. want to be. what they want." he sobbed through clenched teeth.  
  
"Sasuke's so cute."  
  
"I think he's so mysterious."  
  
"Sasuke's the got to be the hottest guy in Konoha."  
  
"Sasuke's so gorgeous."  
  
"Sasuke."  
  
"Sasuke."  
  
"Sasuke."  
  
He could hear their girly voices giggling in his head as he grabbed at his hair, tearing away at it with his kunai. The thick, wet, heavy strands falling to the floor around him.  
  
His shaking hands were nearly impossible for him to control as he sobbed incessantly. He nicked his cheeks, ears, and forehead with every stroke, causing beads of blood to form on his skin before rolling down his face.  
  
"Sasuke! I heard about Sakura and I."  
  
He hadn't even heard Naruto come in. not over the sounds of the rain. and his own sobs. He barely even glanced up at the boy as he stood there in the doorway, mortified by the sight before him.  
  
"Sasuke." he stammered the sight of his friend's state leaving him at a loss for words.  
  
"Go away!" Sasuke yelled at him earnestly, turning away from him and trying to get to his feet.  
  
"Sasuke." Naruto stammered, stepping uneasily towards his bloody companion.  
  
"Go away!" he yelled again, through unyielding sobs. He fell back down to the floor, light-headed and unable to stand from loss of blood.  
  
"Sasuke don't move!" Naruto shouted, rushing over to his side.  
  
"Stay away from me!" the pale boy yelled forcefully, trying to push Naruto away.  
  
"Why Naruto?" Sasuke thought, his head reeling, "why'd he have to come. anyone but Naruto. not him. I don't want him to see me like this."  
  
Naruto was kneeling is Sasuke's blood trying to wrestle the kunai from his hand.  
  
"Sasuke! What did you do!" he yelled at him when he finally managed to throw it aside.  
  
Sasuke didn't answer, or even look up. He rubbed his eyes across his arm, trying in vain to stop his tears. More than anything he didn't want Naruto to see him in this state.  
  
"Sasuke, what did you do!" Naruto repeated more firmly, grabbing Sasuke by the shoulders and shaking him.  
  
"I didn't do anything!" Sasuke finally retaliated, trying to pull Naruto's hands from his shoulders. The blond boy, far stronger than Sasuke in his hysterical state, grabbed him by the writs to keep him from fighting back. He saw the gash in Sasuke's arm, which by now, had all but stopped bleeding. He stared desperately at Sasuke, who would not return his gaze, searching his vacant face for any sort of reason.  
  
He'd never seen Sasuke like this. strong, powerful, level headed Sasuke. Tears began to well up in Naruto's own eyes as he surveyed the damage, which Sasuke had inflicted upon himself. Sasuke's gorgeous, long, ebony hair cut down to uneven spikes. his pale angels face, cut up and streamed with tears.  
  
Naruto couldn't help the tears running down his own face at the sight of his rival, whom he'd always admired and looked up to so much, despite the hate he projected towards him. he knew he'd never really meant it.  
  
"Sasuke. how could you." Naruto asked unsteadily, running his hand through Sasuke's butchered hair.  
  
"I had to." he replied emotionlessly.  
  
"Bullshit you had to!" Naruto shouted at him, a hysterical, disbelieving anger welling up inside of him. "Why Sasuke. why." He began to cry. He grabbed Sasuke's cut up face with both hands and forced him to look at him.  
  
Sasuke stared vacantly into Naruto's huge azure eyes, watching the tears stream down his face. Naruto's lip was quivering and he could feel his hands shaking. Sasuke could see the concern in his mournful expression and he could tell that it was killing him. But it's was killing Sasuke too. It pained him more than anything to subject Naruto to this. his loathsome plight. no one. especially light-hearted, carefree Naruto, shouldn't be made to suffer this, but he didn't know what to do. he'd never intended for another to suffer for him.  
  
All at once Sasuke snapped. He sobbed hysterically and uncontrollably hard. Every muscle in his body was giving out as a wave of pain, fear, and guilt rushed over him. Naruto grabbed him before he could fall and he pulled him tight to his chest. Sasuke clutched at the back of Naruto's damp jacket and sobbed into his shoulder.  
  
They both cried as Naruto held him tightly in his arms, stroking the back of his head gently. Naruto rocked back and forth on his knees, desperately trying to calm his best friend.  
  
"It's ok Sasuke. it's ok." he whispered softly in his ear, as he slowly gained his composure.  
  
Sasuke's tears did not relent as they soaked deep into Naruto's shirt; every breath he drew was more like choking. He was gasping to breathe as years of pent up emotions ran out of him as torrentially as the rains outside.  
  
Naruto rubbed the bare skin of his back, feeling his spine. His skin was cold to the touch and he was shaking uncontrollably.  
  
"Shhh. Sasuke, it'll be ok." Naruto lulled him softly. He pulled Sasuke away from him and laid him down on the floor gently. Sasuke pulled his knees up tight to his body, still shaking like a frightened little child.  
  
Naruto couldn't understand what had driven Sasuke to do what he did. but he knew it better not to ask. at least not at the moment anyway.  
  
He got up and threw off his rain soaked jacket, using it to push away the blood and hair. He shut the window and gathered up the blankets from Sasuke's bed and threw them on the floor. Sasuke looked up at him, his ominous, black eyes glinting with tears, and his bare chest hearing uneasily as he struggled to breath.  
  
Naruto pulled off his own shirt and tided it tightly around Sasuke's gashed arm. Kneeling down he pulled the thick warm blankets over Sasuke and lay down beside him.  
  
Sasuke's face was against the floor, and he stared at the linoleum vacantly.  
  
"Na.ru.to." he strained, through deep breaths, turning to look up at his concerned friend. "Thank. you."  
"No worries." Naruto assured him, trying to smile.  
  
Sasuke reached out to him uneasily and Naruto grabbed his hand, interlocking their fingers. He pulled his still trembling friend in close to him and wrapped themselves up tightly. Their bare flesh was warm against one another as Sasuke laid his head down on Naruto's chest, reaching his bandaged arm around him. Naruto held him tight against himself, never letting go. He felt Sasuke's warm breath against his shoulder and the unsteady way his chest rose and fell.  
  
Neither of them even seemed to grasp what was happening between themselves, it was all right. all in the moment. Sasuke didn't even think about it. he just felt warm and safe held there against Naruto. He shut his eyes tight, trying to close out the events of only minutes ago.  
  
Eventually he had all but stopped crying, the rain taking over as the dominant sound. Gradually Sasuke began to hear the rhythmical sound of Naruto's heart beating just below his ear. It made him want to cry again. but not because he was upset.  
  
Slowly and uneasily Sasuke lifted himself off of Naruto's chest, propping himself up on his good arm. He looked down at him, and Naruto stared back at Sasuke in the darkness, his bright eyes fixed on him as he sighed deeply.  
  
"Better?" Naruto inquired softly, noting that he had stopped crying. Sasuke just nodded. Reaching his hand up, Naruto brushed Sasuke's, now short, hair out of his face; his soft hand running across Sasuke's bloodied cheek. "Never do that to me again."  
  
A hint of a laugh escaped Sasuke's lips as he tried his best to smile despite the pains wracking his body.  
  
So he could feel.  
  
But right now all he wanted to feel was Naruto. He placed a hand on Naruto's soft straw colored hair, silvery-white in the darkness. Sasuke couldn't help but feel for his friend. his savior.  
  
Without even thinking he leaned down and pressed his lips against Naruto's, a tiny gasp escaping Naruto's mouth as he did so.  
  
But Naruto didn't push him away. he pulled him closer against himself, and pressed his warm lips back against Sasuke's.  
  
Both of them shuddered, an electric surge running down their spines as their lips parted.  
  
"I do want to be loved. really I do." Sasuke's inner voice was shouting at himself. Tears found their way back to him, as he looked deep into the eyes of the boy who was, indeed, his savior.  
  
Naruto reached up and brushed the tears from Sasuke's dark eyes before they could even fall, and placed his hand on the back of Sasuke's shorn head. He pulled his lips down on to his own again, breathing a sigh or relief and contentment.  
  
Sasuke's self-loathing had all but left him. it didn't matter anymore. Naruto. he could love him even after all that. Uchiha Sasuke. hysterical and vulnerable. He could love him in spite of it all.  
  
Their lips held fast, their warm breath tickling each other's faces as Naruto's fingers stroked at Sasuke's short locks.  
  
"You know what Sasuke." Naruto whispered in his ear when Sasuke had laid his head back on his chest, "I think it suits you."  
  
The End 


End file.
